A Piece to Feel Peace

Taking this holiday season to express Gratitude

Photo by Alex Shute on Unsplash, I love Scrabble and I love this simple image so I thought I’d use it here…

Another simple holiday image and with one of my favorite animals, elephants.

As I sat down to write today, the question that came to my mind was: “why haven’t I posted in two months?!, How did that happen? Two months!!”

I proceeded to answer the question to myself but then I decided to actually share here in case something resonated with you too…

…Well, let’s see a few weeks ago, I started a pretty intense workshop to help me refine my creative and professional steps moving forward. That’s taken a lot of time and focus. I also finished harmonizing my book manuscript- yes before the end of the year I wrote 58k words and then the last few months I have edited it and added another 5k words! Then I submitted the manuscript and related documents to several publishers.

Those few things have indeed taken up my usual “writing juices”. I guess I really do have limited space in my brain for certain writing activities. It’s just like when I was young and I would tell my parents that the dinner part of my stomach was full, but the dessert section of my stomach still had room! There wasn’t exactly a tangible logic but it made sense anyway. So I guess just as when I had a certain amount of room for certain foods in my tummy, now I recognize that I only have a certain amount of creative writing juices that can flow at any given time too!

So that explains some of my absence here, and maybe what some folks call a “writing block.” But let’s see what else has there has been that has waylaid me from publishing here? Oh yes, all the changes from the current government administration- all the social and political situations too. :P

That has definitely caused me blocks I can tell. My usual energy for ease in the writing I usually publish here has somehow been stymied. First, I’ve noticed that I have to intentionally decide when I want to listen to, engage in, in the most recent news updates. When I find myself second guessing in one area of my life, I find it sometimes seeps over to other areas.

Either I wind up actually 2nd guessing myself, in this case what I “should” or “shouldn’t” write about. Or it’s the energy it takes to even go through the filtration as part of 2nd guessing myself that then affects my energy in other areas in my life that I now have less of. It’s almost like my usual routine has shifted which affects other parts of my day- indirectly. So maybe feeling “blocked” in this area it seems has made me feel “blocked” in my writing too.

Then, second I’ve noticed for sure that my capacity and usual openness to discuss things on my mind have changed. Because it feels like a very reactive time in our society, I’ve noticeably reduced or limited who I talk to about my feelings with the current political situation.

I know I’m trying to integrate, and figure out, and calm myself, and understand all.the.things. Which has sucked up a lot of my energy. And I find that as much as I’ve always gravitated towards diverse groups of people, I’ve been finding that when I’m in environments when the issues aren’t discussed or maybe there are people that have totally opposite views, I’m just pulling back. Almost like when a snail comes across an unexpected object, it shrivels back into its shell- for survival, for security, for self preservation.

So of course this sort of “protection” I think if I’m being honest, has shown up in my lack of presence here too. I have admired writers who are able to just be open with all their feelings and perspectives, or have just been able to be creative without talking about this realm of their world.

Likewise, I’ve even judged my own limitations to either just speak my mind, or to just hop over to something unrelated as long as I’m “producing something”! But isn’t that part of the journey too? Learning to lean in and accept ourselves where we are? Indeed it is. In tumultuous, uncertain times there’s no one “right” or “wrong” way to show up. It just is. And the more we allow ourselves- the more I allow myself to just be as I am, then the more I can actually keep going in my individual authenticity and growth.

So of course for you, my reader, I’m also mindful of what I share. Which is often a tricky thing when wanting to be transparent in my writing. I want you to connect with me because of my honesty and I really do enjoy connecting authentically. But as I strive to be true and open I know sometimes that can invite discourse that honestly, in this context, I’m not sure if I can handle the extra energy it would possibly entail.

Maybe you feel the same way whatever your beliefs are. And so that’s why I seemed to have landed on sharing about my processing rather than getting into the actual issues. It is hard, though, when we/I want connection but everything feels dis-connected. Almost similar to when I was craving hugs after weeks, months of isolation during COVID. We/I wanted those hugs from friends SO much, but yet the actual interaction, contact, of course could have been quite caustic. Same with conversations sometimes these days- it can be hard to tell which discussions I can actually handle.

Also though, even for people who I know are on the same page, sometimes I just don’t want to lament about things anymore either. And/but yet to talk about other things has felt insignificant too, so I don’t reach out like I normally would either. It’s really like being stuck in limbo. Wanting to connect and not wanting to connect at the same time.

Anyway, just as we navigated figuring things out during COVID, I guess I’m also figuring out other ways to connect here (and in my life otherwise), that also feel authentic and meaningful.

So in the limbo I sit. I realize in times when I’m not sure how to connect to and with others, I connect to myself and to God. In order to at least stay true to myself, I have focused on grounding myself daily in several ways. I write Morning Pages, pray, use my Headspace meditation app, say mantras, and go on walks as much as possible. And yes, I have fallen into the cozy cloud of binge watching the show Younger the last few weeks. I wonder what you, my reader, have done in this unique time we’re in? What have you done intentionally if you are also feeling affected by the current situation?

So as I sit and wait for the publishers to get back to me and practice holding healthy space for the political climate upheaval- it is also the Passover/Easter season. This time of year is usually quite meaningful for me, especially when the holidays overlap. I even wrote about that here. But even this year as the end of Passover is ushering in the Easter weekend, the outward celebrating isn’t resonating so much for me. Instead it seems I’ve taken this time to write here in a more inward albeit also indirectly outward expression.

In that sense, as I draw this piece to a close, I am filled with Gratitude. The Passover holiday and the Easter holiday are actually primarily about Gratitude. Gratitude for Jesus being alive again, and Gratitude that G-d* saved us from that ominous night when death passed-over the houses safely marked.

There are a couple other distractions in my life that I will share more about next time. But in this moment and during this special week, I wanted to reach out and to recognize the gratitude I do feel. Certainly in the context of the MANY difficulties that MANY Americans are facing now, and the heartbreaking atrocities happening around the world, I am VERY intentionally breathing fully and wholly.

As I breathe in and out, I name off one by one, a list of things that bring me peace. In the end of those moments a smile releases tension in my shoulders. I recall something I heard today:

“Hope is not naive…”

That sentiment reverberates through my body almost in a recalibration...

…However this piece has found you and whatever current coping or holiday celebrate-ing or tradition-ing you are doing or not doing, may you have moments of Peace before you go onto your next to-do item.

(*Of note, in religious Jewish communities God is never fully written out as a sign of respect, so that is why I wrote it that way in the text.)

**If you are new to me, here’s a link to my other pieces- which also often includes peace-ful storytelling… All my writing so far.