Am I Having a Hot Flash or Is My Fever Breaking?

The joy of trying to embrace mid-life and other transitions…

The last many months have had me experiencing new big changes while also having great adventures. Like a Maypole of life ribbons coming together in one timeline- these transitions and life events have brought some colors I like more than others.

Celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary, 50th birthdays, and retirement from the military, we celebrated this summer by taking a family adventure to Europe. Even with our multitude of travel experiences when we lived in Germany, this trip felt a bit different at least physically. Indeed there were some highs and lows- some Maypole ribbons that I had wished just stayed out of the mix.

Amazingly there really weren’t any logistical issues that came up, but there were some physical ailments that come with the reality of traveling in midlife. For instance, when we were hiking up to the Parthenon I was managing excruciating plantar fasciitis pain in my left heel that I had never had before. To distract me from the extreme discomfort I tried to focus on the amazingly intact behemoth limestone structures in disbelief of the ancient ground we were walking on.

Even with my painful heel, I’m glad I was able to be in the moment while also managing the unrelenting sun and high temps which was over 100 degrees at the time.

All in all it was a magnificent trip and I’m sure I’ll share more in other stories…

So then when we got back from our wonderful (body aches and all) memory making family excursion, there was about 3 weeks before school started, to get some much needed rest and acclimate to home again. But the no-routine, unscheduled time, before my husband started his new job and the kids still home, in the middle of the dog days of summer when the heat entraps you as soon as you go outside, made me really want my “normal” to return!

My “normal” which included getting back to my looming book publishing deadlines, as if I had stored them away in the closet all summer. It’s almost like the change in season when I put my winter sweaters on the top shelf since I won’t be wearing them until it gets cold again. But then comes fall, and especially here in Oklahoma where it seems that summer can hold on with a fierceness, I really start to physically crave the new season, and getting back to my “normal”, just like the longing to pull out my cozy Irish cable knit hoody cardigan.

Alas my first “normal” week did come, but instead of getting back to my manuscript, I couldn’t get out of bed. I was super tired, with a terrible headache, and feeling achy all over. And then a couple of days later, wait, am I having a hot flash or is my fever breaking? was the thought that at least momentarily pulled me out of my dismay. It was one of those should I laugh or cry moments. Either way I did actually prefer sweating to feeling the chills, especially when it’s 90 degrees outside.

Then came the following Monday and another go at a “normal” week when I wrote in my Morning Pages (highly recommend by the way, whether you’re a “writer” or not), wow, my first normal Monday, and my first normal week! Let’s do this! It was a feeling of being totally refreshed from a wonderful night’s rest (also not so common in my time of hormonal shifts), after a perfect cup of coffee, and an empty quiet house!

But then the very next day, Tuesday, my husband gets home from work and tells me, good news he’ll be working from home 2 of his 4-day work weeks. On the outside, I responded, “oh that’s so fun, we can be co-workers now!” On the inside I felt myself drop my head and sulkingly go back to the closet to put away that cable-knit sweater- which also by the way is my favorite color green. For over 10 years I had developed my own schedule of “my time” between school hours, and now my husband who also used to be at his office 5 days a week, is now in my space 5 days a week!

So now here as I am at the end of my first week of my “new normal”, I am readjusting, again. And yes, we both have separate workspaces, and all will be fine. We’ll figure out our new boundaries, I’ll let go of my expectations of what “normal” used to be and face the uncertainty of what my “new normal” will look like. And as I make revisions on my manuscript, getting to text that discusses how to handle multiple transitions happening at once, I guess I can’t help but laugh (sort of) at how timely my own life is for me to practice what I preach.

When I’ve been in the process of writing the book, there’s been lots of times that I’m sharing relatable stories of myself, my clients and others, and also adding in the rational aspects of integrating practical steps for navigating transitions. And then I get up from the editing, walk away from the computer, close the door to my home office, and get on with my life. I’ve subconsciously even thought, the advice for living healthfully through life transitions is for the book and my future readers, not for my life, - at least not for my life now.

I’m also realizing that sometimes I tell myself, compared to the world today, my life changes at the moment even if meaningful and significant they also seem “easy”, so I need not get all worked up.

But then my conscious thinking clicks on and I also remind myself, change is change, and just as I ask my reader not to “judge” her own transitions, I too can live as healthfully and intentionally as possible through my own life shifts. As I make revisions in my manuscript, the words of wisdom that went through me are now what I need to take in for myself, again.

But as I feel those Maypole ribbons of life coming together, perimenopause, military life retirement, new job/“new normal”, my own professional goals, and my oldest going to college next year, I realize I need to leave my office door open. I need to allow the words in 220+ pages I’ve written on encouragement and “transition toolbox tools” come back into my life and “walk the talk.”

As I sit in that place of “ugh”, providing space for the mix of uncomfortable feelings, the piece of advice I pull out from one of my chapters is: “be curious.” It’s the one tool that is both a gentle action item and also doesn’t actually require me to do anything or have expectations. I’m still left with the uncertainty but also with more peace about the unknown, as I take a deep breath in and out.

And as I practice that mindset, there are two things I do know for sure. One is whenever I get a weird physical ailment, that sure enough when I google it, it confirms what I expected which is that indeed perimenopause can cause whatever I’m feeling. And then a very easy (unexpected) transition has been my husband going from a clean-shaven military face to a professional civilian full beard - and that change has been very nice to look at!

*PS: To be honest, while writing this, I was feeling so muddled in transition that like every week the last many months I’ve wanted to publish here I just don’t. But this week it’s the one year anniversary of the passing of my dear friend, Glenda of 30 years. She was always such a cheerleader for my writing, and so in honor of her I decided, this is the week I’m writing something AND posting it too… (Here’s the tribute I wrote about her.)

**If you are new to me, here’s a link to: All my writing so far.

I LOVED this field of sunflowers we saw in Switzerland this summer and I thought I’d share here in case it makes you smile too.