I was waiting to hear back about whether a collaboration I’m really desiring is going to move forward…
In this waiting, I had two strategies:
1) ruminate over possible disappointment as much as possible. My rationale was pretty much: “strengthen those muscles” so that if it doesn’t work out, you’re prepared!
2) prevent all disappointment thoughts from entering my thinking the mind. This way I could just deny its possibility…
…I had really wanted this collaboration, so as a “mature adult” I knew I needed to gauge my expectations…Of course…
“But wait a minute”, I paused while writing in my Morning Pages (in the afternoon), last week…by “gauging my expectations”, am I really just trying to protect myself against disappointment?
And there it was. The truth sank in..
Here’s some of what I had started writing when that truth hit me…
“…It’s hard to know what I will actually feel I think, until I hear back. I keep trying to gauge my mental and emotional state for either outcome. And honestly I just can’t. I think that realization is good. I’m trying to control how I will feel…I’m trying to prepare myself for whatever outcome avails. Maybe it’s a way to protect myself, to shield myself…”
And then I paused from my writing and my thoughts went back to a year ago when my daughter was applying to a specialized school for 8th grade.
When I opened the letter we were assuming it was an acceptance letter. She had all the “right” grades and standardized test scores, and even good teacher recommendation letters, and a pretty good essay- if I do say so myself.
But alas it read: “unfortunately”…your daughter did not get into the school- or some phrasing like that.
The interesting thing for this experience is that by NOT getting in, we all thought she would- so we hadn’t even allowed for the thought that she wouldn’t get in—she realized just how much she DID want to go to this school…
As we discussed it in the coming days, it seemed that the disappointment was kind of like a guide saying, hey, actually this is important.
…So there I was last week writing away in this nondescript college ruled red colored Mead notebook. And my brain, or maybe it was my heart—well either way there became this agreement like two friends winking at each other over an inside joke, from across the room. And they (my heart and my brain) both quite matter of factly- silently but distinctly and affirmatively announced: let’s NOT try to avoid disappointment.
And then as if a higher beam of intelligence shone into the pages, I wrote: “disappointment is helpful too. Disappointment will also tell you, Clara, what it is you don’t want. While at the same time will guide you towards more of what you do want.”
“Disappointment is not something to be avoided. It is to be allowed—just like excitement…”
And with that, my shoulders relaxed, my breathing expanded. My heart and mind didn’t have to be the strict guardians they were trying to be—which thank you heart and mind, for trying to protect me. But they became cautiously optimistic counterparts, instead…A part of my journey navigating my inner dialogue —not ardent overprotective guardians so distracted by fear that more energy was spent on ruminating rather than just being in the moment working on whatever was really calling my attention…
…As I reflect on what I just wrote, I think guarding our hearts for and around “disappointment” is a way that we not only try to control our feelings, but it’s also how we try to control aspects of different transitions we might be facing.
The word transition in itself, is a type of movement, a type of change. And since change inevitable brings up uncertainty, and there is often SO much we can’t control, I think one way we try to alleviate that discomfort is to try and control what we think might happen.
But what I learned as I was writing in my Morning Pages (in the afternoon) was that I actually didn’t know exactly how I would feel ahead of time…Not only that but somehow I was thinking that “disappointment” in itself was something “bad”. And sure because there have been many times when things didn’t go as I had expected or hoped or desired or planned, that emotion was a bit of a bummer.
At the same time, though, if I’m really being honest with myself, all those disappointments somehow and someway did lead me to other things that did feel fulfilling—even if wasn’t in the same way or at the time that I had wanted it to work out.
So to “disappointment”, I say: “thank you for showing up, even if it’s not always what I’ve wanted…” And especially as I go through my various personal and professional transitions, I say, “thank you disappointment for helping guide the way…”
*PS: My daughter did get into the school she wanted to the following year…And the collaboration I desired is moving forward but now there’s more decisions to make…
**PPS: “Morning Pages” might be a great practice for you too—just “google it”…And of course like I mentioned here—it doesn’t always have to be in the morning! ;)