Giving isn't always easy, especially when it's just too much...
A short reflection of my experience with giving-- and having…
‘Tis the season for (extra) giving; many of us give already all year ‘round…
I know I gave it my all as a young(er) mom and a mom of young(er) children. I gave as a wife and as a military spouse.
I gave in earnest. I really wanted those things—to be those identities. Well not so much the military spouse- but the essence of supporting my husband in what he was doing, and while also trying to make the most out of the adventures we had in the multiple places we lived.
Interesting as I write this out…in giving it my all, I realize I also had those identities…
So, in giving we are also creating I suppose. That type of giving also creates relationships which then creates identities. But in this way, we are then also creating responsibilities that seem to only end when we cut off the line of giving.
Giving inherently entails, it seems, a sense of having. Having a connection~ having something to give in the first place, that somehow results in the giver having…
…At some point, about 5 years ago, I realized that something was “off” in what I will in retrospect, call my “giving”. Maybe it wasn’t so much that I was giving too much, although for sure that resonates. But I think the “off-ness” I was feeling was because in that particular “giving” of myself- I didn’t really want the resulting “having.”
I didn’t want to have those identities anymore~ or at least I didn’t want to just be those identities. I didn’t want to “just” be a mom, wife, and military spouse. I still had love for my children and husband, but the giving I was giving was not leaving me with all the wanting I wanted.
As I went through untangling this knot of sorts, that at the time I would not have been able to describe as such, it just felt like the words: “blech” and “blah” with “ughs”, “sighs”, and lots of annoyed shallow breathing…
I think the question I could have asked of that self of mine from 5 years ago is: Can I stop or change my giving as a mom and wife? Must the essence of those identities mean I give to a point that I don’t also have other identities?
Can I “be a wife” and “be a mom”, but give to other parts and things and experiences in this life and world? Can I make this shift that will allow me to also have other identities and responsibilities that give me back what I really want to have—-which is more of my Self…
…May your giving this season also result in the having you desire…