Interrupting: The Art of Trying NOT To...
The struggle of being an "active listener".
Probably one of my most challenging communication challenges is to NOT interrupt someone when they are talking. It is NOT because I’m flat out trying to be rude. It’s just that I can be an “active listener”. And like any 7 year old that wants to just jump into the puddle for fun—that’s my brain!
Unfortunately, just like that 7 year old that jumps into the puddle without thinking- there can suddenly be a muck of a mess, with mud and dirty water splattering onto the other kids. Which is not always a problem—buttttt sometimes it is…
My husband, for example, will sure tell you that I interrupt him more often than he would like me to. He’ll be all in the moment trying to express a feeling or situation. And for a split defining moment my brain signals a response: I know what he is going to say! Oh I gotta let him know that I KNOW what he’s going to say! This IS great!
In that moment, my brain convinces me that because I think I know what he is going to say, that that will make him happy! Because often enough there are times when we are NOT on the same wavelength. So in this instance my brain will convince me that we are actually thinking the SAME! It’s like the feeling of winning a jackpot or something!
So anyway, there’s my husband telling his story— and I interrupt him to “finish his sentence.” And bam- NOPE—what I think he’s going to say is more often that not- NOT what he was going to say! And then my eyes roll back in frustration aimed at my brain- as if to say: there ya’ go- leading me down the wrong path again! As if I was shaking my head after picking the wrong numbers in a lotto scratch off…
Not only did I finish his sentence wrong, but now I’ve also interrupted his enthusiasm and flow for what he was trying to express to me. And then of course the conversation gets veered off from his topic, and he retorts: “why are you always trying to finish my sentences?” And then I’m apologizing while continuing to shun my brain for such wrong guidance…
I think if you’d ask my husband if I’ve gotten better at this- NOT interrupting him, he would probably say, “no, not really.” But, however, I do think I’ve gotten better. Well at least my brain likes to tell me so!
….Other times especially when I’m talking with someone whom I feel a strong connection to, like the clothesline strings connected from one window to the next on those verandas you often see on the side streets in small Italian cities, she is saying something that immediately jumps into my soul or mind.
At times like this I want SO bad to jump in and say, “yes, yes”! Again with just as much excitement as that 7 year old with a big puddle in front of her. So sometimes I do jump in, apologize, say continue and then I just start furiously nodding my head like a bobble head toy. I want her to know, that I know exactly what’s she’s talking about! Of course that doesn’t work when I’m talking to someone on the phone. But at least the physicality of it, distracts my brain from trying to convince me to interrupt!
These interruptions, I think come in moments, that yes my soul can also be engaged in- not just my brain. But I think I notice this sense of impatience more, when I’m not intentionally trying to just BE in the moment. I’m trying to jump ahead to the next part of the conversation without just listening. Just listening! What a gift to feel just listened to, and what a gift to the other person for me to just listen to them!
If I’m really being true to myself and my desires for connection, both for me and the other person, then it really is the listening that feels like the whole pie or cake—not just a slice- the whole shebang of chocolatey goodness!
Listening helps me to really know and understand the other person. And when I feel listened to as much as I also might want the other person to verbally agree with me, I think mostly I want to be understood and heard…
…As I’ve gone through my many transitions both with internal shifts and external changes it can be at those time that I have a deep desire to be heard and understood. And one thing that can cause a spike in my tendency to jump in- err interrupt, is when I’m talking to someone who it seems suddenly gets exactly what I’m feeling and trying to explain.
There’s a mixing of ideas, metaphors, and especially language and words to express my challenges and aha’s. It feels like what was a dense fog, is clearing out. A feeling of stuck-ness subsides, and hope shines in.
When I haven’t understood the bogginess of what I’m feeling, especially if the life change is supposed to “feel good”- it is super confusing! And that confusion can keep me feeling lackluster and unmotivated.
But somehow when I’ve had the language to describe what I’m feeling or even the validation and understanding of what I’m going through, then suddenly it’s like I’m a university student on her first day of classes. Sitting there in attention, all ready to take notes, listening to the instructor and learning what I need to figure out my next steps!
Maybe in the end it’s not that interrupting is a bad thing it’s just that maybe I need to practice the art of it more. Knowing when interrupting can bring about that precious alchemy of two minds and hearts sharing ideas, thoughts and feelings…And…when I need to just listen-to allow someone to JUST be listened to and heard…Both are gifts…With each conversation calling for its particular time to give and receive…
This is a weakness for me also.