I LOVE watching animals navigate the world around them. I love watching ALL types navigate life in a tree or branch, or in a field or on a blade of grass, or in a pile of sand, or in a bush of seaweed, or through a network of coral…
I can absolutely become mesmerized watching them watch what’s around them—how they become olympically talented using their instinctive acrobatics in a mating ritual, or to eat, play, or just chill in disguise.
They really are just completely awe inspiring….
Those TV’s in the electronic sections at Best Buy or Costco, that show huge panels of video where I can can experience the animals telescopically close in view, can literally stop me in my tracks as if an invitation to teleport into their world in that instant!
Maybe one reason I’m so enthralled by what I see on those TV screens is because we didn’t really have pets growing up. My dad was allergic to all things furry. A couple of times we had fish—my parents had to give us something to “care for”.
Or there were other times we captured those cute little orange newts in the woods at our country house in upstate New York. Reluctantly my parents would allow us to bring them back to our apartment in Brooklyn. They would undoubtedly escape, though, and my brother and I would try our darn-est to find them- only to unfortunately come across a few scattered skeletons some weeks or months later…
It wasn’t until I was with my husband of two years, at the time, that I really had my first pet. My husband had grown up with dogs and so when we saw a uniquely brown and grey merle colored Catahoula puppy mixed in with some Labrador retrievers, my husband suddenly announced: “let’s get her”!
By the way, there had been no previous discussion about getting a dog at all. On this particular day, we had gone to the strip mall-ish area just to get a bite to eat, and saw the fenced in area on the side walk outside of Petco with a sign: “come adopt today!”
Without really having any wits about me otherwise, I said, “well there’s a Barnes and Noble over there. Let’s see what the dog books say about this breed.” Half of me was intrigued and the other half I think was secretly hoping that the books affirmed my doubt about this endeavor of which I had no idea about!
But alas the books confirmed my husband’s appeal, and really only main concern which was: “this dog is cool!” So…“Duchess” came home with us after we went into Petco to pick up all the “necessities" of dog ownership. And Duchess was a great dog! She was smart, loyal, friendly, happy-go-lucky, and patient.
And then we had two kids- the two-legged kind.
And then the army told us we needed to move to middle Alaska—over 4,000 miles from our then Maryland house! My son was 2 1/2 years old and my daughter was 6 months. I told my husband, “I can deal with driving this distance with the two kids but I can’t also handle taking care of Duchess.”
So I pleaded with my husband, “why don’t we have her stay at my parents horse farm, and then we will get a pet carrier to ship her once we are settled in Alaska?” (Yes my parents had gone from caring for fish in Brooklyn to caring for horses in the country!)
Reluctantly, my husband agreed, and off went Duchess to herd horses instead of children.
One thing led to another and Duchess became part of my parents’ horse farm, as military life became pretty complicated, especially as our life needs and housing requirements changed when we moved every 2-3 years or more. Of course there are many families who are able to navigate taking care of their fur family member while managing military life. But it was too hard for me to consider, especially since although I super enjoy watching animals, I don’t really like caring for them.
And Duchess was really quite happy roaming as she wanted in the fields and surrounding forest of the horse farm. There were also the tasks of meeting and greeting guests, supervising chickens, and corralling barn cats. Whenever we visited my parents it was obvious she remembered us, especially her first pack leader, my husband. She wasn’t really a jumper- but she always jumped on my husband when she saw him. It really was a joy to experience her same Duchess-ness even as we all changed and grew and moved from one state to another and even to another country.
While Duchess had her life with my parents, my kids and husband however, longed for and begged me for another dog. We would see dogs frolicking on walks with their owners over the years, or visit a friend’s house who had a lovely dog. We would get home and my family would get their own puppy-eyed look and say: “mommy, please…” or “honey, you know I want another dog…”
But all along, I knew that if I wasn’t able to care for Duchess the way she needed all those years before, then I didn’t want to have the same situation come up with a new dog. Plus of course at this point, in the wisdom I did NOT have all those years ago when we adopted Duchess, I knew who would really be taking care of the dog. My kids and husband would get to enjoy the dog, while I would do most of the actual care and work.
Much to my dismay, the pleading and protests continued to our last move in Hawaii, where additional concerns came up for me. I read posts on Facebook message boards alerting dog owners to poisonous toads that can instantly kills dogs with the saliva they secrete. We were also in a condo, living with the frustrating experience of hearing many other dogs bark through the thin walls and open windows, and I did not want to add to the cacophony. The list of why I maintained my response of “no” just was as long as can be.
And then I got that call from my mom letting me know: “it was time.”
Duchess was about one month passed her 14th birthday, and the vet said she had a swollen liver, which at her age wasn’t operable. She was also very uncomfortable walking around with a distended stomach, and she wasn’t eating.
We decided to do FaceTime to see her once more. Even my husband, who usually isn’t so sentimental, called my mom from work to also do FaceTime with her.
She was a dog, that became a family member that stretched across 3 generations. My brother who worked at the horse farm embraced her as a co-worker of sorts. My parents who never otherwise would have had a dog at all, managed to balance housing her in their home and in the stable when the weather was good. And as it turned out, my dad was not allergic to her fur.
The beautiful thing too, was that Duchess started life with my husband and I in Maryland, and then went to Pennsylvania to live with my parents as I mentioned. But then many years later, when my parents needed to move to a retirement community, they happened to move to Maryland, close to where I would take Duchess for walks at a nearby park, 11 years prior!
It also was quite the feat for my parents to leave the area after 35 years where they also had a family home and farm, and during the height of COVID. So it felt special that Duchess kind of got them settled in their new place, which also happened to be her original “home land”. They arrived in November 2020 and she passed 5 months later in April 2021.
It was quite the showing of love that God brought us through Duchess and her passing.
Even though she had only lived with us those first few years and spent over a decade with my parents, there was this outpouring of emotion that quite honestly took me by surprise and knocked me off my feet. I saw the deep connection my husband felt to her- my kids were sad, I was sad, my parents were sad, and my brother was sad. All this emotion from an animal that we pretty much adopted on a whim 14 years prior-not knowing that decision would impact my whole family.
Duchess died and love opened my heart to, yes, the possibility of getting… another… dog…
And instead of my brain reminding me of the little sense it made, my heart pushed through and said: “maybe it’s time…”
The kids were indeed older so they could actually take on caring for the dog in a responsible way.
My daughter then almost 12 had often spoke of wanting to be a vet or animal rehabber. So a dog could actually help her practice and employ some of those desired animal care and training skills.
The last two things were my daughter’s seemingly newly acquired fur allergies and size—I didn’t want a larger dog because of the limited space in condo. And then by happenstance, on Father’s day we bumped into a new friend whose daughter was holding THE CUTEST puppy. I was SO drawn to the fluff and even though I’m usually not one to just go pick up other people’s dogs—I had to!
We inquired more about the breed and the temperament. A toy poodle. They don’t shed which would be helpful for my daughter’s allergies. And they came small which would be great for the condo.
The stars were aligning for my kids and husband to finally get another dog—-all because of the heart opening that came from our first dog passing.
However, what came next for me was a deepened surrender that I didn’t know would be part of this decision.
At this point of my heart opening, I was also going through a profound reckoning in defining my boundaries. In my mothering and household-ing, I had come to a place where I could ask my husband and children to take on more and more responsibilities. It was something that my soul had been increasing my awareness of for a few years at that point. I was just getting comfortable with stating my boundaries and the discomfort of that shift was starting to ebb.
In this confusion of what also felt like Divine timing, I asked God: “I thought You wanted me to more independent from care-taking. I thought You wanted me to create space for me to do and be more of who You want me to be. How is taking on the responsibility, even with help, of caring for a puppy going to further that goal at all?!”
I really struggled with that contradiction. I felt like I had made SO much personal progress in my own boundary setting and personal development that getting a dog really felt like a HUGE step backward.
I did, though, have some practice with the mindset: “let’s see what’s possible. Let’s be curious.” This helped my brain to relax from the pressure of “figuring out all the logistics.”
And one synchronous thing led to another and three months later we welcomed an 8 week old puppy, “Duskai” into our family. My kids chose the name with a nod to the “D” in Duchess. Duskai is also black, so “dusk” for dark. And the word “kai” means water in Hawaiian. So Duskai it was! And now at the time of this writing he is 2 1/2!
Surrendering to Divine guidance, though, about how to really be with Duskai was the challenge I had feared and continues to be a challenge that although it is MUCH easier, I am still in a journey about it. For example, just as I have struggled with setting boundaries with family members, I have struggled with setting boundaries with Duskai too- such as trusting that he is fine, even if he is whining. And, not allowing him to keep me from my own priorities.
I figured out balancing my time by taking him to doggie day care, and making sure that the kids are doing pretty much all the work, care, and training when they are home. And thank God, now that he is older, he seems to be quite contented sleeping in his cozy spot for sometimes hours at a time while I do what I need to.
Mostly though in my heart of hearts, I know Duskai has brought a love to our family that my kids would not have otherwise really experienced. Sure they were sad when Duchess passed—but they were too young when she moved to be with my parents to really know what having a full time family pet is like.
Duskai has literally become another sibling to them. Just as my kids sometimes seem to have a language that they only understand, even when it’s just laughing at something that my husband and I have no idea why they think it’s funny. They now also have a way of communicating and talking to Duskai that they only do with him.
He’s their playmate- boy can that little doggie run!- and snuggle buddy while they read, watch TV, or are sick in bed. They teach him commands and tricks, and he teaches them patience. My kids know what responsibility and limitations are from a place of caring and loving another being, and that is an important boundary to learn- as I have come to understand and practice too.