(Click below for the audio…)
I need dark at night to go to sleep.
Like, dark, dark.
It helps my brain and being to actually shut down.
Even glimpses of light coming through the seams of a closed door, or a 99% closed curtain- make my brain think: “oh there’s something going on over there that I MUST tend to.” It’s like the ridiculously slight tinge of light can cause a FOMO situation that suddenly must be addressed!
So I relent to the chatter of my brain’s insistence that suddenly something more important than sleep must be tended to! Annoyingly I throw back the covers, get out of bed and assess the situation at the source of the light. I open the door or the curtain to get a glimpse of whatever scene is behind this room separator. In full body annoyance I respond to my brain’s concern of FOMO, and say: “see there is nothing going on. It’s just a street lamp or the hall light. Go back to bed!”
Once back in bed, and at least now my brain knows there is indeed nothing to be missing out on- but it is still bothered by the light!
I am sure that there MUST be something I can do to reduce the imposing glimmer!
Since I have learned that there truly is often NO way to completely block out the light, now I just wear an eye-mask to sleep. And it has to be tight enough on my nose- like a literal face blanket, no actually more like a sleeping bag for my eyes.
And, EVEN with this black out curtain secured around my head, of course my brain still has to test out the quality of the “darkness” like going to double check that I’ve locked the front door before going to bed.
So under my eye-mask, one eye opens to see if there is light sneaking in under the material, and then other eye opens. And then my brain fusses even more to make sure that this time, before it allows the stage of sleep to be considered, that the light is indeed completely closed off!!
Oh my goodness what a rigamarole to make my brain finally relax into the actual dark of the sky signaling it is time to shut down and go to sleep!
And then….my husband gets into bed! And… my brain shoots right back to full alert like when I’m at a campout and I hear a rustle in the woods! And guess what? My brain has to check to see once again if light has indeed entered the eye purview again! And yep- my husband is looking at his phone and the light is shining through my eye protection again!!!
And yep- my brain is now once again in full alert asking ALL the questions: “What could possibly be SO important that at this time of night, he must have to be on his phone?! Oh my goodness- does he realize just how imposing the light from his phone is?! I am feeling completely light violated!”
Sometimes this internal dialogue becomes audible and the argument becomes a new active ball of mess to deal with! Just what I need when the goal of the last hour was to go to sleep!
Thankfully, though, other times I keep the internal dialogue to myself; turn over to the side of the bed where there is the best protection from light and maximal darkness. I check the light through my eye mask one more time—right eye, left eye—no extra light peeking through…And then if I’m lucky enough my brain finallllly relents even under non-perfection circumstances of total darkness and off to sleep I go…