Releasing "The Should Monkey": The Art of Letting Go of Distractions
Being Present in the Present
*Note: I typed “distractions” into the search bar of “Unsplash” and this image came up! I had to use it!
(Click below for audio file.)
I was sitting in my German class in an IKEA café in Kaiserslautern, Germany. I was meeting with the fabulous teacher who was Korean-German, and a retired opera singer. She was such a petite woman but with a huge warm, vibrate, electric personality. She was also amazingly insightful and had taught herself English.
I’d come to these classes loving the exchange of German and English. I love learning different languages; the ability to encapsulate a translational human experience that only certain words in certain languages can truly fully express.
For example, when a German friend and I were discussing the difficult things occurring in the world, she said: “in German we call this ‘Weltschmerz’”. It literally means Welt (world) and Schmerz (pain), the feeling describes exactly that — a pain you feel for the state of the world. Another more common word is “Wanderlust”. Wanderlust describes the feeling of wanting to travel. The word consists of wandern (to hike) and Lust (mood). A perfect combination of sentiments!
When I come across a word that somehow connects my brain to my heart, it makes me feel seen and heard. It’s like plugging in holiday lights for the first time. There’s a sudden deep feeling of wonder that seems to magically appear. There’s a momentary stillness and in awe my human-ness is 100% okay! (And I bet there’s a German word for that feeling too!)
And so I would genuinely look forward to my German learning opportunities. It wasn’t just an academic lesson or a way to gain a tool for practical use navigating living in a different country.
But even with an inner passion to learn and experience this class, I’d always be distracted! Even with the engaging teacher and a gregarious group of women making the class dynamic and fun, my mind would always wander. Within the first 10-15 minutes, I would undoubtedly look on my phone or my watch. My mind would think about what thing I needed to attend to next. My mind would recall important and unimportant parts of previous conversations.
I would try and catch myself reminding my brain, “hey you, remember we actually want to be here- like enjoying this and learning!” But usually I really couldn’t seem to be completely present. It was like background noise that I just couldn’t shut off!
But—-then came the day when somehow I felt for the first time since attending these classes for about year, that I was 100% present! I wasn’t aware of it until I guess about half way into the hour. There was no statement that I pronounced to myself like, “Okay here I am, and I am 100% present.” The awareness seemed to just float into my consciousness, like when I’ve passed the same house a million times but then one time I specifically notice the cool architecture of the arch above the stoop.
This awareness came about a month after a personal ceremony I did about my beloved paternal grandmother and my living, loving mother (that I explain here “Two Green Trees”). In that poignant moment I realized something had shifted since the class I attended before that ceremony.
It was during this focused time of learning German that for the first time I felt I could just be. In an immersion experience moving to Germany—this time I was actually immersed in that class. I just was experiencing the be-ing.
See in that honor and release ceremony what I did was give gratitude to two great women in my life—but I also realized I released the SHOULD. In the ceremony, I released “shoulds” pertaining to how I thought I was “supposed” to be living more broadly, but I realized that by releasing one “should”, I released other “shoulds”—like a domino affect.
I mean really —The Should! It’s literally like a monkey sitting on your shoulder thinking its job is to remind you of what you’re supposed to be doing- or “should” be doing—that is usually different from what you are actually doing in that moment!
It’s just this tiny invisible thought BUT yet it’s AS involved as that imagined busy-body monkey on your shoulder! So it was in that German class- that although I wanted to be there—that the Should Monkey would just plant itself on my shoulder going through a list of other things I “should” be doing instead!
And then suddenly, in that moment of being present in the present, it was if the Should Monkey there in this German class had just jumped off! Ohhhhh and away went the “shoulds” too!
I was so calm and so immersed just in the one experience at hand—learning German and that’s all. The shift and the change that I hadn’t even expected or previously thought about had happened in a real tangible way.
In my comings and goings with various outer and inner life transitions, some shifts are sometimes so subtle I don’t notice them at least not immediately. And others can be more obvious- of course the ones I’ve experienced when my outer world changes. But that shift I felt in that German class, was one of the first times in this journey when something relatively intangible became felt and appreciated inside.
It was also a personal validation that the work I was doing was actually working…Having the opportunity to meet with my wonderful teacher and language friends became a gift that for once I could actually fully receive. And as I write this almost 4 years later, I can still feel that connection in my Soul.