"Wait, what?!"

A Mother's Day Gift from the Soul...

Photo by freestocks on Unsplash

Click below for the audio file…

I awoke that night like I often do- ugh, sigh…My body was telling me to go to the bathroom. I rolled over, hoping that the physicality of the movement would distract my bladder from firing off “gotta go” messages to my brain.

But alas, I told my body, “fine, let’s get up and go…”

I got back into bed, my husband gently but loudly enough snoring. I looked at my watch, it was 2:30. I laid my head back on the pillow, arranged my blankets, closed my eyes because that’s the next step to go to sleep. 

And then a thought came to mind and my eyes flashed open, as if a literal light had been switched on. 

That thought was, “wait, what did my husband say?” 

It was earlier that Saturday afternoon when we were having chit-chat conversations as we got out of our pajamas, put on the unders, opened the drawer, chose a shirt and pants, closed the drawer, opened another drawer, got out the socks- while going in and of the bathroom to put on deodorant, brush teeth, and style the hair. 

Such a really sort of ho-hum, otherwise completely unremarkable part of the day and daily activity to readying ourselves for the next part of the day.

In the midst of this casual doing, my husband said: “By the way, I finally got my award from leaving my last job! It sure took long enough—6 months, but at least I finally got it!”

These were the words that at 2:30 in the morning that caused my eyes to flick open, telling my brain to go back 12 hours earlier and review the dialogue, like going back several chapters in a book when you forget who exactly the returning character is. 

Before my brain could catch up to the sentiment of what my husband had shared, my heart suddenly felt SO overwhelmed. My throat started to tighten, my face started to get flushed, and tears started dripping down each side of my face and into my ears as I was still laying down. 

And I felt the words: “I got an award…” 

It’s still a bit hard to explain—sometimes what we feel there are no words for—even my “emotion thesaurus” can’t name it. But in those words my husband spoke, for some reason in that moment, I felt completely and utterly crushed.

My brain and heart in unison said: “Where’s my award? Where’s my award for all that I do? For ALL the ins and outs of having moved 8 times, raising the kids, going to the German PTA meetings only understanding about 20% of what’s said? JUST ALL OF IT?” 

The conversation in my head got stronger: “so my husband gets awards, AND he gets paid? Wait, what?!!” 

I had the feeling, but without words to describe them, my Soul gave me emotion and the downpour started. It wouldn’t stop. At first a mostly silent but audible sobbing, my husband in his half asleep slumber rolled over and put his arm around me. I appreciated his middle of the night half hug, but the emotion didn’t stop. 

It was probably about 20 minutes later, and I just decided to get out of bed because I couldn’t stop crying and laying down was just getting to be too uncomfortable, and surely sleep was not going to be next for my body.

So I went upstairs to the main living area, sat on the grey fluffy couch of safety and reprieve, and just continued to bawl. Now out of bed, I gave into louder sounds that pleaded to emerge from inside. The tears got stronger and heavier, my mouth was gaping open to let my throat feel less restricted, like the flooding out of water after a frozen pipe defrosts. 

It was a wailing that I don’t remember ever having, and it was a wailing I haven’t had since. This was wailing that came deep from within my gut- my Soul was reallllly trying to have a voice. A voice, I hadn’t know that I was stifling for I don’t know how many years. 

My husband came upstairs and tried to comfort me as best as possible. He lovingly said: “I recognize you, I appreciate you.” But somehow even though it was nice to hear and nice of him to say, my Soul just really wasn’t receiving it. And after a while, whether from some affect of my husband’s words or just pure exhaustion the tears finally stopped. And we went back to bed.  

Over the next weeks and months, I grappled with sudden onsets of emotion, even as so many other things were going well in my life! It was the kind of confused emotion that I would try and rationalize “why?” through the tears.

I’d be at a cafe with friends and start to explain what I was going through and my throat would tighten up. “I mean honestly,” I said to my friends: “what is wrong with me?”; pushing out the words as they got stuck in my throat, trying to speak them. Why was I feeling like this? Nothing was “wrong”. In fact there were numerous things that were quite right! I was living in a literal and metaphorical village in Germany, with many dear friends, we traveled, my kids were somehow doing great in German school. 

The contradiction in my life experiences felt very unsettling, and my brain had a really hard time making sense of it. 

One time I was getting picture frames for a project I was doing with about 7 other military spouses. It was called the “(Photo)Voice of Spouses” and was on display at the library. And as I was providing this group of women the space to express their challenges and realities of military life, I was struggling myself to feel seen and heard! Oh the irony of the timing of this project and what I was feeling during it all! 

So there I was in the store looking for just the right frame for these beautiful images that spouses had sent me to develop and frame, and another village friend happened to come in. We exchanged the usual greetings and smiles, and then she asked: “how are you doing?” Without being able to explain, the tears started again and she hugged me. If anyone had seen us, they’d thought I was grieving the loss of someone dear to me. 

Or another time I was on the phone with my parents and I remember my dad saying: “we’re just emotional people, that’s okay. You and me, we have emotion right there under our skin.” But my mom knew. She knew how frustrating and debilitating it can be when women are not recognized especially when it comes to keeping up a household and raising children- let alone all the adjustments I had to make when we moved every 2-3 years to sustain military life.

I was, though, in some ways thankful for this type of sadness because in some which way I wasn’t depressed. Maybe it was because of the support I had around me and because of the general well-being I had otherwise. But then in other ways, that kind of made me question myself more. Like it’s easier to be sad on a rainy day- but on a sunny day??

About a month or two later, in emotional surrender, I fell to my knees by my bed, and asked for help to just not feel so sad anymore. And in unison, God and my Soul said: “Clara, you have to value yourself. Yes it’s nice to receive the accolades and of course get paid for what you do. But real Value comes from within. If you want to really be valued, then give yourself a voice! Allow your own truth to come through. Allow me, your Soul, to be heard. That’s when you will feel valued.”  

And there it was- in one prayer I was gifted clarity and direction.

With this Wisdom, I was able to hold the space to recognize the ways in which I had been stifled as a woman in our society and unintentionally in my own home. BUT I was also able to realize where I did have power- what I did have control over. 

This shift in awareness felt like the Divine now shining a light on my path and also somehow provided the space for the sadness to lift. It still took a bit of time as the cloud dissipated, but at least I wasn’t caught up in unstoppable and unpredictable emotion anymore. 

What happened next was a journey of a deep understanding and profound knowing of the importance of boundaries. Boundaries were for ME to develop and ask for, to insist on. Boundaries are the space, the place, the avenue, the road, the way for my Value and what I valued to have Its own capacity to breathe, speak, and be seen. 

How could I expect ANYONE else to know what I needed, what my desires were, what my boundaries were, if I didn’t first know them myself and then actually SPEAK them?! 

And then- came the practice- and that’s legit for another essay. 

Buttttt—in the mean time I did want to pass along just in time for Mother’s Day, that the Divine Wisdom that was gifted to me this bit of time ago, has brought me SO much Peace. Even as I continue to practice setting boundaries and strive to give my Voice Value, my often unrealistic expectations for Mother’s Day, as well as an old propensity for disappointments has refreshingly dissipated! I KNOW what I give as a mom and what I Value as a mom, and that is something I can truly can depend on as a Gift to myself, thank you Soul! 

By the way—the icing on the cake this particular year: “Coincidentally”, as I was editing this, my husband (after a long hard but needed conversation about “stuff” the night before- that did include me voicing my boundaries!) texted me: “Hey Mei. What’s happening today? I appreciate you!” A meme followed: “You’re just the bee’s knees.” And as I type this out right now, I feel my Soul smiling, as this time It could fully receive the words: “I appreciate you!” …Just a few tears of Joy this time; no wailing…

Photo by freestocks on Unsplash