Waiting...What's it good for anyway?

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Waiting, waiting, waiting—I’m still waiting. I’m waiting to become this tangible but invisible version of myself that somehow will feel and be different from this current reality.

Since this waiting actually will never really end because when I get to that time and version of myself that I imagine—well then I’ll be waiting for that next version.

So instead of thinking about waiting for the future—I’ll reflect back on the past times of waiting that somehow brought me to my present.

Well gee, that’s a time warp. Yep that’s exactly what it is because the concept of waiting presupposes that you have existed in some previous time of waiting, or that you are waiting for some future time to appear. Whoa, that suddenly feels very complicated.

Let me just get back to the present. 

So, now, right now, at this very point in time—I am here! Yes I am! I feel my chest rise up and down. I feel the pen in my hand as I write these words on this lined loose-leaf paper. I hear some birds chirping. There’s a slight breeze coming through the open windows.

Yep, here I am. I am here!

Gosh darn it though, why is it so hard to be here?! Why does “there” always seem like a more attractive place?!

Okay, right here I am. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in…breathe out… Nothing to do but stay in this moment. This very moment is enough.

Is it though??? Yes it is. Stay here- stay right here, where you are.

But why do I have to stay here? Thinking about waiting for my future self to arrive is A LOT more exciting. So much is going on over there!

Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in…breathe out…

Well, what if I just stay here in the now? Would that really be so bad. The here and now is what do they say? Oh yes—they call it the “present”! Aha! Being right here, right now is the present, a present---or a gift! 

The question really then is can I receive the gift of the present- the present moment. Can I receive this moment? Can I receive myself in this moment? Can I receive this version of myself that I am now? Can I receive the reality that I am enough—actually more than enough right here, right now—and that I don’t have to wait anymore…

By golly, I think my waiting period is over! 

——-

In Reflection

The frustration with waiting…

I wrote this piece last Spring, when we were living in Hawaii and about 4 months before moving to Oklahoma City. I was sitting in a small condo, the kids were at school, our 8 month old puppy was napping in his bed.

I sigh now thinking about how hard it was living in that condo. That although someone else would have been SO thankful to live where I was—a 15 minute walk to a world famous beach—I was feeling claustrophobic. The windows were open but it didn’t help the air inside to feel anymore expansive. (And yes, one would offer: “just get out and go to beach”, but that’s not where this story is going…)

Besides the physical claustrophobia, there was often a lot of noise pollution that floated through the condo, particularly because we always had our windows open. There would be coffee grinders and shake blenders in the morning. And then the landscapers would begin their routine of using their arsenal of gardening tools- the lawnmowers, the leaf blowers, and the tree hedgers. 

And then there were the babies, toddlers, and dogs that would express whatever emotion they were going through. I remember one evening just trying to relax with my husband and we had to raise the volume on the show we were watching so we could hear over the seemingly inconsolable child. As a mom myself, I knew that times like that happen and the only thing to do is to often just to wait it out as patiently as possible—but man, that particular time I really just had to practice breathing.

…It’s hard though, ya’ know, when these somewhat mundane harmless things in life get on your nerves, after you’ve just heard on NPR the often latest devastating news from the around the world. Countless people suffering WAY more than what I was currently going through- and I’m sure most of those folks would do anything for my situation. A layer of guilt compounds my already daunting feelings of self-pity.

A shift happens…

And then a shift happened in one of those seemingly Divine, timely intersections when ruminating thoughts seem endless, and when the opportunity to speak to a dear friend arises. My friend read me something by someone else dear to her about the “and”. I had heard the importance of using the “and” before in trying to come to terms with my own emotional well being when life would give me reasons to feel “grateful” and “forlorn” all in one experience, for example. Holding space for both feelings at the same time can feel confusing if not impossible without the “and”. But when my friend read this additional take on the helpfulness of “and”, I really felt peace come over me. The writer described her own frustrations with daily life in her “normal” household, while also feeling overwhelmed in trying to grapple with emotions about world events. 

When my friend read that to me, all in one moment I felt seen, AND at the same time could hold space for seeing the truths of people’s conditions around the world in dire circumstances. In some which way, I suppose a feeling of Hope and Trust also came over me. And I could hold space for a vision that I would be in a better place at some point, and so could others suffering. That our current situations didn’t have to be permanent even if in the moment they feel overwhelming and full of despair. 

And so when I reflect back on this piece I wrote about waiting, I see the importance of the “waiting” itself. It provided me a reality check on the temporary-ness of my situation. And here I am almost a year after I wrote that piece sitting in a large comfortable home with no anticipation that the “condo noises” will drown out the lovely intermittent singing of birds. 

In this particular situation, I expanded on my living situation, but that piece of “waiting” was also written for other parts of my Soul’s longing: to feel freer, to feel more “successful”- or whatever place of being I’m currently seeking to become. And that continues to take practice as I wait…but now with Hope, and a sense that I’m not alone in whatever conflicting feelings I’m having as I hold room for this tender space and place in time…